“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready