Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Only short people can save us

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO