Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

I have never related to anyone more.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?