Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Those are good neighbors.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.