Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
#parenting
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack