Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot