that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
You Might Also Like
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”