@WakeVII

OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today…so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.

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@TheBoydP

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

@sixfootcandy

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

@AristotlesNZ

Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.

@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@UnFitz

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

@Darlainky

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

@eff_yeah_steph

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*