“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today…so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.
Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*