OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today…so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.

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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever


Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard


Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.


My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”


Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.


Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.


I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives


REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast


a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line


Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*