Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.