Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
My blood type is coffee.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.