Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Family Celebrity
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?