Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.