Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Me driving through Toronto

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.