@JustMeTurtle
@inmybox07
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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@inmybox07
@ArfMeasures
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
@bgdadyspnkbtm
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
@volthetime
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
@reallifemommy3
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
@BGH70
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
@Try2StopME
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
@SarcasticSadOne
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
@DamonHunzeker
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
@Jandalize
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.
Then walk into a pole.