OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*praying for world peace*
God:
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”