It’s okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register
My first language is typo.