OMG you guys!! I have abs







…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages


Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no


I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.


If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.


It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle


Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.


*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now


Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.


If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.