@JustMeTurtle
@delusionaliam
It’s okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
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@delusionaliam
@murrman5
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
@ShoutingGoddess
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
@ohpegah
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
@DanMentos
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
@LuvPug
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
@MorphineDreamzz
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
@SamInspired
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
@Mr_Kapowski
The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register
@1easyedog
My first language is typo.