Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I told my vodka about you.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.