Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
What about a To-Don’t List?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.