OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
ACED my prostate exam!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.