Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.