omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
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“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.