Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

💯😂

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation