“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
a badder mouse
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?