Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

*orders delivery*

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day