Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Just did a big green poo by a canal