Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.