Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad