“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015