Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect