Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Happy weekend !
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”