Omg 🤣
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If snakes were wide
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap