Omg 🤣
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket