Omg 🤣
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”