Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.