“OMGJK” -atheists
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The internet is full of many things
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]