Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Need this in my life lol

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks