Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

weaknesses