OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
You Might Also Like
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’ve had relationships like this
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.