Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Rude much 😂😂😂

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”