Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.