Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE