Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
i- i did not expect this
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
No way!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH