Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.