On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I have questions??
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.