On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.