On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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Can’t stop laughing
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
dutch is not a serious language
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
#catsoftwitter
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.