On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked