On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.


Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head


On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.


6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?



Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.


friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]


Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.


*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”


If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.