@solsayswhaaa

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

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@Ideal_Victoria

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@CarolinaSong

Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head

@LizHackett

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@skittle624

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

@SharkJelly

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

@Love_bug1016

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.