Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN