[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.