[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
You Might Also Like
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.