Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

It do be feeling this way.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

new record!

Mike is short for Micycle

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)