Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.