Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I just ran a .003048K

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”