On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?