On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Tuesday
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*