Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.