On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”