On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.