Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying