On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍![]()
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don鈥檛 deserve dogs.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I hate when I鈥檓 hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn鈥檛 ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
You know your kid is Canadian when she鈥檚 watching football and asks why no one is skating
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANC脡: Yeah…hi
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I鈥檓 thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you