On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’ve had worse
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
