Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.