Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*