[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!