[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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Birds & Planes.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Monday
