@Elizasoul80

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

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@thefurlinator

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

@purcival

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

@JediGigi

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

@JasonNotEvil

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.