if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body
me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Don’t Drake and drive or you’ll end up at your ex’s house.