[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Shoo shoo! 😂
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
S/o to @funTweeters .
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.