Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.