Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?