* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[loses house key, starts a new life]
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
