* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Life with a cat in one tweet
