“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.