Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question